My last (hopefully) pregnancy update...

 I am 39 weeks pregnant today.

No picture taken yet, so please forgive me.

As of this morning I am 2.5 centimeters dilated and 30% effaced.

By now we had already delivered Swee'Pea and had him home a few days but let's not dwell on that little fact, shall we?

Popeye guessed we would have the baby on the 23rd and I guess that we would have it the 26th and we are just blowing right past those dates without any signs of a baby arriving any time soon.

My father-in-law swears the baby will arrive August 1st.

He has jinxed me.  Jinxed me I say!

First babies really shouldn't come early because then when you wait on a second baby you just feel shocked and confused.

I have cried a few times.  My hormones are a bit nuts lately.

I am not uncomfortable.  I'm not even really done being pregnant.

But I'm scared.

And anxious.

And ready to get this show on the road so I can meet my sweet babe.

But I'm thankful.

And encouraged.

That my doctor is supporting me going past her plans to induce me this weekend..

That the baby has a strong heartbeat and my fluid levels look great.

That my body is at least starting to prepare itself for labor and delivery.

And for people in my life who are encouraging, supportive, and willing to listen to my psychotic nervous chatter as we all sit on pins and needles waiting for our little boy or girl.

The floors are cleaned.

The bags are packed.

The car seat finally made it out of the box (although we've yet to install it... oops!).

And the Lord continues to provide peace in my heart.

Peace that the baby will be safe.

Peace that the baby will come when it is ready.

Peace that the right staff will be on duty when I check into the hospital, even if it means my doctor isn't the one on call.

Peace that he has chosen the perfect name for our little one.

Peace that he will equip Popeye and I with strength and knowledge as we bring this little one into the world.

We are ready for you, baby!

We've been waiting on you for so long.

I cannot wait to hold you in my aching, aching arms.

The last week or so...

I'm at a cross between being anxiously overwhelmed at the thought of going into labor and also achingly ready to meet my baby.

I wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6:30am and by 9 I am so terribly ready for a nap.  Which I never take.  But I dream about.  Until around 4pm when I get another sudden burst of energy which quickly dies down until about 9pm.  When I bust out my Pledge and my rag and start cleaning fanatically.

The weather hasn't been as freakishly hot so we've been hanging out at the pool a lot and I've been trying to run as many errands as possible.  In the past two days I've been to Walmart twice, Costco twice, Target, and Fresh and Easy.  I forgot to buy eggs each and every time.  

I've been putting on make-up every day for the past ten days or so which is not typical for me during the summer.  However, I wouldn't want to go into labor and have the nurses (and my baby) be terrified so I am trying to gussy it up a bit.

I've actually been cooking.  And baking.  And being overly addicted to Cherry Coke.  

Mmmmm.  Cherry Coke.

Princess Kate had her baby and I was glued to my phone and television waiting on every update.  I'm not normally one to be so obsessed with a celebrity, but I think her and William are just the sweetest couple there is.  Also, she looked amazing leaving the hospital.  I'll be lucky to squeeze into a pair of sweatpants 24-hours post delivery, and she came out looking like she was fresh from the salon.  In heels!

I want to remember each and every moment of these last few weeks before the baby arrives.

Even the hard ones.

I want to remember Swee'Pea's excitement and his constant need to talk about the baby all.of.the.time.

I want to remember late nights with Popeye eating ice cream and watching bad copies of "Ed."

I want to remember getting my nails done with my mom.

Lunch with my grandmas.

Afternoons with my mother-in-law just sitting on her sofa talking about babies and work and The Today Show.

I want to remember the stretches of this little one in my belly.  Its feet poking out my sides and its head constantly ramming into my bladder.

Because soon, as much as I want to, I'll no longer be hold onto this baby all day and night.

Soon, our lives will be turned upside down in a fabulous way.

But for now, I just want to hang onto every. single. moment.

And remember what it was like with just the three of us.

broadway for daddy's birthday.  our last hot night on the town before baby comes!

planning planning planning.  how is it almost time to start school again?

we live here.

basically i did not sleep a wink after receiving this.

i had some old bananas and blueberries and a carton of almost expired buttermilk to use up.  so i whipped up this bread.  and then ate half the loaf in one day.  it was amazing.

it has been a long time since i read a book that wasn't parenting/birthing/educating related.  shauna is one of my favorite bloggers and authors.  buy this book immediately.

every night about 9pm i get out my Pledge and rags and broom and vacuum and go to town.  i figure it will eventually put me into labor and the house will look splendid to boot.  P.S.  i'm still pregnant.  and i've used almost a whole bottle of furniture polish in a week.

my home looks like this each morning by 9am.  thus another reason for the insane cleaning i do each night.

i asked him to massage me into labor.  but i'm still pregnant so i think i over-tipped him.

My joy.

Lately I've been filled with anxiousness.

Worry.

Frustration.

Disappointment.

And a basketful of emotions I don't always know how to comprehend or process or deal with properly.

The past few weeks have given me a lot of time to sit and think.

About our lives.

The people we choose to allow in them.

The choices we have made and continue to make daily.

Waiting on this baby has been hard.

Both in the long term struggle with infertility
and the short term reality of my body preparing itself for labor.

All too often in this process I've let my heart be hurt because
I allow my head to do too much analyzing and not enough praying.

Repeatedly these past few weeks I've had to stop myself mid-cry
and get down on my knees and just give it to God.

What a sight I must be, awkwardly squatting on all fours with a huge belly bulging
and tears streaming down my puffy and blotchy skin.

But appearances don't matter to my Heavenly Father, and daily he takes me back into his arms, comforting me and reminding me and consoling me as I pour out my sin and sorrow and fears and frustrations with myself and my circumstances.

Daily I beg for forgiveness for worrying more about others and less about God.

Daily I beg for forgiveness for opening my heart to temptation of self pity
over failures or frustrating situations.

Daily I beg for God to create in me a clean heart and to renew my spirit, even when I deserve
not one bit of grace for my ugly and restless heart.

Daily he answers my cries.  

Daily he renews my heart.  

Daily he sends new praises into my soul.

The past few weeks I have felt like I'm stretching and breaking into a new role that I'm not always sure I'm prepared for.
I'm learning to accept what God has had and may have in store for this little family and for myself and often it is overwhelming to my soul.

I daily feel worried about what other people think of me.  

I practically feel their disapproving and annoyed eye rolls not just in the words they say but also
all too often in their lack of words of support.

And it has weighed heavily on my heart.

Instead of coming into this new season with joy in my heart and a pep in my step, I've questioned and I've cried and I've worried that I'm not enough in the eyes of the world.

Truth be told, I probably never will be.

But.

BUT.

I am not called to do or be as the world wants me to be.

To gain the approval of friends or family or anyone but the Lord.

Sometimes it is hard.

To go through the growing pains of friendships.
To go through the growing pains of being challenged in my walk.
To go through the growing pains of realizing the path I have planned is not always the path
God has planned.

To feel inadequate.

To feel lost.

To feel abandoned.
To feel like nothing I say or do is good enough or pleases people enough.
To feel constantly guilty or worried or a hot mess of emotions over something I've said or done or thought or wished for.

Yet the Lord never leaves me.

He never ceases to amaze me in his continued grace and mercy.

He renews me and inspires me in spite of my circumstances and my stubbornness.

He comforts me and heals me even when I feel that I have failed.

He is changing me.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

He has taken a broken shell and created a miracle.

And I pray he will continue to build in me a woman of character.

Rather than the stubborn, prideful, sensitive soul I seem to regularly be.
I pray he will take my ugly, ugly sin and transform it into something that can be used for his glory.

I want to be confident in him.

I want to stop worrying so much about everything else.

I want to be free from the chains of anxiety.

I want to learn that not everyone is going to like or love me or my choices 100% of the time.

But most of all, I want to learn that it is okay to be me.

Fears, failures, and all.

It is okay to be me.

Because only when I'm truly and truthfully me can God break the chains that tie down my heart
and allow me to find true freedom in Him.

My value is in Christ alone.

Only in Him will I ever find true peace and comfort.

He is my joy.

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me."
Psalm 13:5-6

I lean not on my own understanding.

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.

I give it all to you God,

trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I will climb this mountain

with my hands wide open.

I will climb this mountain

with my hands wide open.

There is nothing I hold on to.

thank you, sweet sister, for the precious gift of pictures of my little family!

Some baby randomness.

twenty-one days people.

twenty. one. days.

and while most people at this point have finished their nursery and are basking in the glow of pre-baby peacefulness, i'm dripping in sweat and stressing out that i will never get everything done before this little one decides to make its appearance.

i'm dilated a fingertip, people.

a whole fingertip.

and while realistically that means this baby could come in days or (most likely) even weeks, 

for some reason it completely freaked me out to hear that i was actually even progressing.

last night as i lay in bed, breathing through increasingly more painful braxton hicks and praying my back pain would just go away, i willed the baby to stay put.

just a little bit longer, little one.

this little one just needs a little bit longer.

i need just a little bit longer to enjoy your daddy and brother just the three of us. 

a little bit longer to spend in quiet wonderment at the kicks and stretches within my belly.

a little bit longer of quiet peacefulness before the beautiful storm that is to come.

a little bit longer of just me and you before i have to share you with the world.

just a little bit longer.

*****

i am going to admit it.  i'm a little sad i don't get to do a baby room this time around.  we live in a teeny tiny house and will be squeezing the baby and all its business wherever we can see fit.  so while i may not be picking out paint samples or fabric swatches for this little one, i have spent many an hour drooling over style boards of "someday" rooms if we ever do get the chance to move on up to a three or four bedroom abode.

is gold and coral a theme?  because i'm obsessed with gold and coral.  with a bit of mint and yellow thrown in for good measure.

and how cute is this little boy's nursery?  i grew up in a farming community and it was once my dream to marry a peach farmer.  i had really weird aspirations as a high schooler...

both style boards courtesy of lay baby lay.

i have been sewing a lot these past few weeks.  finishing up projects i started at christmas.  sewing a sweet little boy and a sweet little girl blanket to welcome baby at the hospital.  and of course making cloth napkins.  because how can i bring a baby into a home without cloth napkins??

we live at the pool.  my child is a brown bear.  and i don't know what i'll do if we ever move from here because this pool has been my saving grace this summer.  also, i love this suit and will probably wear it for the rest of my life.  skirts on suits are totally hip, right?

i have reached the point in my pregnancy where i now have to visit the doctor twice a week.  i am a high risk patient and they have slowly been weaning me off my medications in preparation for delivery which means even more monitoring of baby.  i sat hooked up to this contraption for an hour and a half yesterday (the normal is 20 minutes) and i was so bored and in pain from having contractions in an awkward position that i wanted to cry.  it is uncomfortable and i had two nurses working on me because they were struggling to find baby's heart beat or keep it on the monitor consistently.  you can't nap because the monitor is loud and constantly beeping at you, and you can't use your cell phone which means i couldn't even play candy crush.  i cheated and snuck my phone to send my friends and my husband this picture.  because i really want everyone to feel like they are as much a part of these exciting appointments as i am.

also.  i sat sans pants under this paper sheet for over 30 minutes before my doctor came to see me.  within less than a minute she was paged to go deliver a baby.  i sat for over an hour more sans pants waiting for her to come back.  they didn't even offer me a snack or a capri sun while i waited.  

how rude.

as previously mentioned, we have a tiny house and have no room for a baby.  praise the Lord for this little nook we have in our bedroom.  for now the baby will be sleeping in a cradle by our bed and all his or her clothes and diapers will hang out here.  i am obsessed with the blue cart full of tiny newborn cloth diapers and wipes.  and our luggage is sitting there all ready to go in the red chair in case of a quick late night dash to the hospital.  sometimes i just sit on my bed and stare at this space.  a year ago we were still healing and mourning from the loss of our third pregnancy.  now we are less than a month away from welcoming a sweet little one into our home.  God is so good.  i will never stop proclaiming how good he has been to us through this entire journey.

my new almost-nightly ritual.  tubby.  downtown abby on hulu.  and cheap off-brand popsicles.  heavenly.

i made this hot/cold rice pack for my back.  after my tubby i warm it in the microwave for about 2 minutes and then hold it tightly across my lower back while i bounce on my yoga ball and watch more downton abby.  my life has never been so exciting.

 we are officially in "guess mode" for baby.  popeye, swee'pea, and myself all guess boy.  what do you all think?

 it only took my seven months but i finally finished his big brother blanket.  little brother blanket matches but on a much smaller scale.  i love this boy so much.  he is going to be the best big brother.  the best.

soon my lap will be filled with a nursing babe, but right now i'll take any chance i can get to cuddle both my kiddos close.  i love this boy so much it brings me to tears sometimes.  how is he almost six years old?? he has grown up in an instant over the past few months and i know bringing the new baby home will make him seem even bigger.  so i am going to enjoy these last few weeks of squeezing and loving on my sweet big boy, even if he insists on wiping away my kisses and or pulling away from my lingering hugs.

 he loves reading to me and the baby.  i might just pass out from how cute he is.

oh, sweet little love.  i can't stand how adorable you are.  i can't wait to kiss those sweet cheeks and look into those little eyes.  i can't believe you are growing inside of me.  what a gift you are!  we are all so excited to meet you... to know you... to hold you in our aching arms.  you have been prayed for and over for years and years.  i can't believe that my dream of having a baby is soon becoming a reality.  i love you to the moon and back, little mister or miss.  i love you more than you'll ever know.

Counting down.

I'm quickly nearing my due date with this sweet baby.

30 days from today, to be exact.

And I'm feeling a million different emotions that I don't always know how to process or control I'm afraid.

I'm excited.

I'm scared.

I'm anxious.

I'm stressed.

I'm overwhelmed.

Both with the amazing sense that something incredible is about to happen and the amazing realization that the life that we've known for the past almost six years is about to dramatically change.

I text messaged my mom from my van the other day as I sat in the Babies R Us parking lot weeping.

I'd ditched my full cart of baby supplies and headed to the car before I completely melted down in the presence of strangers.

"What is wrong?" she asked.  "You've been preparing for this for years!"

"For pregnancy..." I said.  "I've been working and preparing for pregnancy for years."

But now there is almost a baby.

And goodness gracious did I ever really think we'd get to this point after all the years of fear and struggle?

But to this point we have arrived, and with all the scattered emotions the one thing I feel stronger than anything is that of love.

Sweet precious love.

For this little heartbeat inside of me.

For this little life God has created.

For this person who has yet to be named but is already so known by his or her Creator that even the hairs on his or her head have been counted.

Sweet, sweet little one.

I cannot wait to meet you.

30 days cannot pass quickly enough.

Oh. Hey baby.

I mean, it is clearly obvious which outfits I like wearing the most. 

Also, it is clearly obvious the days I go to work and church and wear make-up as opposed to the days I'm lucky to function enough to put on something other than Popeye's oversized undershirts.

I am feeling big and slow these days.

And super emotional but I can't event talk about it or I'll start crying again for the millionth time.

I'm so incredibly giddy to meet this baby and be done with being pregnant and uncomfortable.

And I am so incredibly not ready to bring home a baby and be done being pregnant with a big 'ol belly of baby.

This has been a sweet time, just me and this little one.

My heart is broken thinking that I'll most likely never get to do this again.

And although I am trying not to dwell on that too much, it helps me to avoid thinking about the other stuff.  

Like the swollen cankles.

And the fact that I still throw up at least once or twice a week.

How much it hurts to turn too quickly or sit up or roll over.

How much it hurts to see the ever-growing number on the scale.

That I have nowhere to put this sweet thing and thus have no motivation to clean or nest or put my home together.

And that I no longer see much below my belly.

Although I do have toes.  It feels good to still have toes.

Little mister or miss, we are so overwhelmed with emotions and the thought that your arrival is less than two months away.

Your daddy says almost daily, "Can't the baby just come now?!  Wouldn't today be a good day for the baby to come??"

And I remind him no, no.  You are safe where you are.  Safe and sound and growing plumper by the day.

And even though my arms are aching to hold you and meet you and know your sweet face and name, I know that all too soon this precious time will come to an end.

So stay tight in there, little one.

For at least a good 27 more days.

Or 44 days, according to Papa2 (he would hate for you to be born just before the soccer age cut-off).

We are simply dying with the anticipation of meeting you.

But your mama selfishly wants a bit more time of just you and her alone.

(Almost) 3/4 done..

I am now 29 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Holy cow.

This pregnancy is moving along at both a snails pace and at break neck speed...

Some days it feels like it has dragged by and we will never get to meet our baby.

Some days it feels so close I panic realizing how unprepared we are for a little one to enter our home.

And almost every day I cry because I am so gosh darn in love with this little person growing inside of me.

I am feeling decently well.

Huge.  But healthy.

The spurts of hot weather we have had on-and-off the past month have not been pleasant.

And my cankles were less-than-happy after a week of being on my feet non-step for State testing.

But I am trying to be more active than I was with Swee'Pea.  

Walking and moving and only sitting still when I collapse onto my bed each night around 10 o'clock.

Or 7 o'clock, when I make the unfortunate mistake of sitting down for "just a minute" and then passing out with a bowl of dried off-brand Fruit Loops still in my hands.

But I continue to enjoy this pregnancy.

And I cling to every tiny kick and flutter and movement I feel.

Knowing how lucky I am that I get to experience this sweetness a second time.

Knowing how close we came to never having a second child.

Knowing that this very well could be my last pregnancy.

And knowing that never again will I be as close to this baby as I am during this intimate moments when it is just me and him or her.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am enjoying this pregnancy.

If I'm ready.

If I want a boy.

If I want a girl.

If I'm excited.

If I'm scared.

And the answer to all of it is "yes."

Yes.

Yes, I am enjoying this pregnancy... barfing, shots, aches, sub par bladder control and all.

Yes, I am ready to meet this little one... to put a name and a face to the sweet baby I'm already infatuated with.

Yes, I want another boy... a brother for my Swee'Pea, a little mister who I envision will be as silly as his daddy to balance out the seriousness of brother and mama.  I cannot express enough how much I love being a boy mama.

Yes, I want a precious girl... a little sister that will let me cover her in finger nail polish and hair bows and a lifetime of glitter and kisses.

Yes, I am excited... to become a family of four.  To watch my husband become a father again.  To feel a newborn in my arms after such a terribly long wait.

Yes, I am scared... of what could still go wrong in these next 10 1/2 weeks.  Of the moments when I don't feel the baby move for 12, 15, 18 hours or more.  Of the labor and delivery and the "what if's?!" that creep into my mind in the stillness of the night.   

Our house may not be ready for this little one's arrival, but our hearts have been ready for years and years.  I cannot believe that we are getting so close to finally meeting the little boy or girl that has captured my heart more strongly than I ever thought possible.  The thought makes me giggle and cry all at the same time.

I am so, so in love with you baby.

I am so terribly in love with every single bit of you.

Grow, baby grow.

Oh, hey there huge belly.  Where did you come from?  I'm pretty sure my belly has been growing bigger by the day hour second these past few weeks.  Each day I feel like I'm surely about to burst but then I look at my calendar and realize, nope... still several more months to go!  I'm so much... BIGGER... this pregnancy.  Bigger belly.  Bigger booty.  Bigger.... other areas.  And the recent heat wave (aka 75 degrees) has got me sweating buckets and swelling like a... something that swells a lot.

The beginning of this pregnancy felt super similar to my pregnancy with Swee'Pea.  I was sick like crazy.  I had extreme food sensitivities.  My chest felt like it was on fire for a good four months.  But that is where the similarities have ended.  My face is crazy broken out this time around.  I've developed both a weird rash and some very rude acne.  I'm gaining weight in areas I never really did (and much earlier than) in my first pregnancy.  I'm craving sweets.  I've never craved sweets in my life.  I'm way more tired.  Way more hungry.  And way, way less patient.  Something that has really surprised me about this pregnancy is how strong my emotions have been.  I'm crazy sensitive.  Crazy emotional.  And crazy temperamental all at the same time.  Unfortunately it isn't one certain thing that sets me off in any one direction.  Some days I'm as happy as a clam and the next I just seem to let everything get me down, annoyed, or frustrated.  So, you know, good luck for the next 3 1/2 months family and friends.

I'm obsessed with rubbing my belly.  Talking and singing and praying to the little one growing inside.  Because I have lazy children who rarely move in utero, I completely freak out as soon as I feel even the slightest kick or movement from within.  A highlight for me this past week was when Popeye got to feel a single solitary kick from our little one.  Big brother is going nuts waiting for his turn to feel the baby move arrive.  I can't wait to see his sweet face light up when he finally does.  Carrying a baby is such a joy... such a privilege.  I almost feel a little bad that Popeye doesn't get to go through this experience like I get to (although I think he is just fine letting me do all the work and getting to enjoy the baby when its all over).  

We've started to do all the crazy stuff I suppose you are supposed to do when you are about to have a baby.

Test driving mini vans.

Buying car seats.

Signing up for birthing classes.

Getting ready to purchase our cloth diapers.

Trying to figure out where in this tiny house another little person with a whole lotta stuff is actually going to fit.

It's been amazing, really.  Terrifying.  But amazing all the same.

But as wonderful as all this is, there are days when being pregnant is really hard.  Mostly because the excitement of meeting my baby is almost too much to bear.  I love love loved being pregnant with Swee'Pea.  I enjoyed every single second of it (even those spent hunched over the toilet).  And while I still find pregnancy such a miracle and I'm beyond thrilled I get to go through it again, I now know the sweetness of having the actual baby in my arms.  I could never really imagine what it was like to have my own child while I was carrying Swee'Pea.  Now the thought of it is so overwhelmingly amazing that it brings tears to my eyes imagining the doctor laying my sweet babe on my chest for the very first time.  I'll never forget looking into Popeye's eyes for the first time after we realized we had a son.  I'll never forget the feeling of them laying him on my chest, his chubby little cheeks wailing and carrying on as if he'd been waiting all nine months to tell us something important.  I'll never forget spending that first night doing anything but sleep as I peered anxiously into the bassinet beside me, worried I should call the nurse because he hadn't made a peep, and feeling completely in love but utterly terrified at the same time that they were about to send this little person home with me.  Oh, I am on pins and needles and bursting with excitement to experience it all again!  But as hard as it is waiting and waiting and waiting for this sweet little one to be ready to make his or her debut, I don't wish away one second of this pregnancy, and I know I'll be incredibly emotional at the end when I know my last days as a pregnant woman will officially be ending.  

Little one.  I'm dying to meet you.  I'm seriously glad I'm not an elephant and have to be pregnant for two whole years because I certainly don't think I could handle waiting that long to see your sweet face. You are the answer to so many prayers from so many people.  I will never ever get over what a miracle you are.  I am so excited to get to know you... to see your little personality develop... to watch your relationships with your brother and your daddy and me grow.  You are already so incredibly loved.  And you will probably spend the first several months of life being wrapped in my arms and smothered with my kisses.  So be prepared, sweet baby.  Because once they put you in my arms I fear I will never let you go.