My joy.

Lately I've been filled with anxiousness.

Worry.

Frustration.

Disappointment.

And a basketful of emotions I don't always know how to comprehend or process or deal with properly.

The past few weeks have given me a lot of time to sit and think.

About our lives.

The people we choose to allow in them.

The choices we have made and continue to make daily.

Waiting on this baby has been hard.

Both in the long term struggle with infertility
and the short term reality of my body preparing itself for labor.

All too often in this process I've let my heart be hurt because
I allow my head to do too much analyzing and not enough praying.

Repeatedly these past few weeks I've had to stop myself mid-cry
and get down on my knees and just give it to God.

What a sight I must be, awkwardly squatting on all fours with a huge belly bulging
and tears streaming down my puffy and blotchy skin.

But appearances don't matter to my Heavenly Father, and daily he takes me back into his arms, comforting me and reminding me and consoling me as I pour out my sin and sorrow and fears and frustrations with myself and my circumstances.

Daily I beg for forgiveness for worrying more about others and less about God.

Daily I beg for forgiveness for opening my heart to temptation of self pity
over failures or frustrating situations.

Daily I beg for God to create in me a clean heart and to renew my spirit, even when I deserve
not one bit of grace for my ugly and restless heart.

Daily he answers my cries.  

Daily he renews my heart.  

Daily he sends new praises into my soul.

The past few weeks I have felt like I'm stretching and breaking into a new role that I'm not always sure I'm prepared for.
I'm learning to accept what God has had and may have in store for this little family and for myself and often it is overwhelming to my soul.

I daily feel worried about what other people think of me.  

I practically feel their disapproving and annoyed eye rolls not just in the words they say but also
all too often in their lack of words of support.

And it has weighed heavily on my heart.

Instead of coming into this new season with joy in my heart and a pep in my step, I've questioned and I've cried and I've worried that I'm not enough in the eyes of the world.

Truth be told, I probably never will be.

But.

BUT.

I am not called to do or be as the world wants me to be.

To gain the approval of friends or family or anyone but the Lord.

Sometimes it is hard.

To go through the growing pains of friendships.
To go through the growing pains of being challenged in my walk.
To go through the growing pains of realizing the path I have planned is not always the path
God has planned.

To feel inadequate.

To feel lost.

To feel abandoned.
To feel like nothing I say or do is good enough or pleases people enough.
To feel constantly guilty or worried or a hot mess of emotions over something I've said or done or thought or wished for.

Yet the Lord never leaves me.

He never ceases to amaze me in his continued grace and mercy.

He renews me and inspires me in spite of my circumstances and my stubbornness.

He comforts me and heals me even when I feel that I have failed.

He is changing me.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

He has taken a broken shell and created a miracle.

And I pray he will continue to build in me a woman of character.

Rather than the stubborn, prideful, sensitive soul I seem to regularly be.
I pray he will take my ugly, ugly sin and transform it into something that can be used for his glory.

I want to be confident in him.

I want to stop worrying so much about everything else.

I want to be free from the chains of anxiety.

I want to learn that not everyone is going to like or love me or my choices 100% of the time.

But most of all, I want to learn that it is okay to be me.

Fears, failures, and all.

It is okay to be me.

Because only when I'm truly and truthfully me can God break the chains that tie down my heart
and allow me to find true freedom in Him.

My value is in Christ alone.

Only in Him will I ever find true peace and comfort.

He is my joy.

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me."
Psalm 13:5-6

I lean not on my own understanding.

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.

I give it all to you God,

trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I will climb this mountain

with my hands wide open.

I will climb this mountain

with my hands wide open.

There is nothing I hold on to.

thank you, sweet sister, for the precious gift of pictures of my little family!