The downhill slope.

I am officially in my 2nd half of pregnancy.

And it feels like it is both flying by and dragging along all at the same time.

This pregnancy is so different than my pregnancy with Swee'Pea, yet so much the same all at the same time.  I have been sick, I have had cravings, I have had too, too many sleepless nights.  And when people ask how I'm doing I try to positively answer, "Great!"  Because that is how I want to feel!  But truth be told, pregnancy is hard on my body.  And the past several years of infertility and the medication and the losses have really taken their toll on this heart of mine.  So even though I smile through the achy joints and the puke fests and the exhaustion, the fact remains that I am spent.

I have been pregnant 37 weeks out of the past 20 months.  Long enough to deliver a full-term baby.  So even though I know I'm still a good four months out from delivering this sweet little baby, I can tell you with full confidence that I am ready.

Ready to meet this little mister or missus of mine.
Ready to hear his or hear sweet cry.
Ready to count his or her sweet little fingers and toes.
Ready to kiss those sweet baby cheeks and lips I've dreamt about for so, so many years.

I do not take this pregnancy for granted. Nope.  Not for one single second.  But gone are the carefree days of being pregnant with Swee'Pea and hardly giving a second thought to the fact that he would in fact arrive into this world safe and sound.  There is fear involved in pregnancy after infertility and loss.  A crippling fear I never even knew could exist.  And there are weeks and weeks where I feel positive and happy and rejoicing in the little life that grows inside of me.  But then it takes just one person close to me having a miscarriage.  And then two.  And then three.  And that fear slowly starts to creep back in until it settles like pit of black tar sticking on every bit of peace and trust I've had since the moment I got a positive pregnancy test.  I loved being pregnant with Swee'Pea.  And I love being pregnant with this little one.  But even though I remain ever in love with my growing belly, the ripples of baby kicks lulling me to sleep at night, and the anticipation of waiting until delivery day to see if we will have a little brother or a sister, I know I won't 100% feel at ease until the day this precious child is placed in my aching and waiting arms.

The Lord has been so good to me this pregnancy.  So, so good.  So many prayers have been answered. So much peace has been given.  I am incredibly grateful for the little life that is growing within me.  So, so incredibly grateful.  I know this baby is a miracle from Heaven!  And with every passing day my love for him or her grows by leaps and bounds.  I can't wait to become a mother for the second time.  I can't wait to look into Popeye's eyes when he gets to be the one to tell me if its a boy or a girl.  I can't wait for Swee'Pea to meet his or her little brother or sister for the first time.  And I can't wait to bring our sweet one home and bring a sense of completion to this little family of ours.

Dear little one.  The waiting for you has been so dreadfully long and painful.  And the thought of waiting 19 more weeks to see your sweet face makes this mama's heart ache.  But I know you are worth the wait.  I know you are so amazingly wonderfully worth the wait.