My rescuer, my stronghold, my delight...

Speechless.

That's how I feel right now.

There are a billon and one emotions swirling around inside of me and just trying to process them makes me want to curl up and cry myself to sleep.

Have you ever had days like that? Weeks? Months even? Where the very thought of having to verbalize what you are feeling seems impossible. The very task of putting words to your emotions seems completely ridiculous, as if no words in your vocabulary could ever even closely represent what is swirling in twirling in your heart of hearts.

Anger.

Denial.

Grief.

Confusion.

Loneliness.

Pain.

Greed.

Desperation.

Frustration.

Fear.

Even now, typing out these words, the tears pour from my eyes. These are not feelings you are supposed to express, oh no. Only happy thoughts... thoughts of excitement and joy. Of peace and happiness. Of contentment and satisfaction. Those are the thoughts and feelings people want to hear about. Those are the words people want you to share.

And as much as I have experienced amazing emotions, the past few months have also been a time of hardship in my heart. I've been wrestling over and over with the things that have been presented to me, not on a silver platter in a tidy, organized fashion, but in a lump of a burlap sack, spit out at me recklessly and haphazardly.

The sudden and horrific death of a beloved aunt.

The fear of layoffs and being left jobless.

The constant disappointment of infertility and the struggles that go along with it.

The crushing weight of trying to keep up with life. With friendships. With my walk with Christ.

The voice inside of me that screams, "Give up! Just pull the covers over your head and give up already!"

The defiant child inside that stubbornly refuses to obey, to relent, to accept what is given.

The nagging whisper that reminds me at the weakest of times that I'm not good enough, fast enough, smart enough, nice enough, pretty enough... simply, not enough.

And so I cry. And I fight. And I kick and I scream. And I lie. And I pretend it is okay. And I put a pretend smile on my face. And then I break.

And only when I am truly broken can I be rescued. Only when I am in the most desperate places can I truly be saved. Picked up from the ashes. Comforted by the true comforter. Loved by the one who is Love.

Because he desires me. Adores me. Delights in me.

And in the stillness of the quiet morning, with my cup of coffee and a tender soul, He heals me. He takes away my pain. He conquers my demons. And I am ever so grateful to be wrapped in the arms of my Heavenly Father.

I love you, O Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry.

Smoke went up from his nostrils, and devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him.

He bowed the heavens and came down; thick darkness was under his feet.

He rode on a cherub and flew; he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him, thick clouds dark with water.

Out of the brightness before him hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

The Lord also thundered in the heavens, and the Most High uttered his voice, hailstones and coals of fire.

And he sent out his arrows and scattered them; he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.

Then the channels of the sea were seen, and the foundations of the world were laid bare

at your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

He sent from on high, he took me; he drew me out of many waters.

He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.

They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18:1-19