Infertility: Letting Go

If you are just joining me today, I encourage you to go back and read posts 

one, two, three, four, and five in this series on Infertility.

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God has a plan for me.

I  know this well.

But I also know that if His plan is going to come to fruition, I have to step out of the way.

I have to let go of my own agenda.

I have to allow Him the authority and control in my life to do as He pleases.

I have to let Him do what He has always set out to do in me and with me.

And that is so hard.

I don't always understand how I fit into the grand scheme of God's plan.  I have always felt burdened that He gave me a heart for children but He didn't fill my womb.  I felt like this affliction was a heavy weight that was preventing me from serving God in the role He had placed on my heart.

But what if that very affliction is how God is choosing to have me serve Him?  
What if my story is not how I overcame Infertility, but how God used me through Infertility?

We grow up when we see our life and our role from God's perspective; 

when we thank God for the role he has assigned us and begin to see our cup as a gift instead of a cross; when each morning we ask, "God, how can I glorify You today in my given role?"

from Calm My Anxious Heart, Chapter 4

God calls us to follow Him.

Not just sometimes.

Not just when we feel like it.

Not just when things go our way.

But all the time.

Even as I grieve another month of failed infertility treatments...

Even as I cry out in the pain of another month with no baby in my womb...

Even as I ache with disappointment of another month without an answer to my prayers for a child...

I must follow.  

Because God has a precious purpose and a plan for my life.

A plan He formed just for me long before I was even a thought in my mother's head.

A plan that will bring glory to Him through the ashes and brokenness of my life.

I must follow.  

In my heartache.

In my pain.

In my grief.

I must follow.  

Because if I am not willing to follow His plan... 

If I'm not willing to let go of my own for His...

Than that plan will never be fulfilled.  

Because no one can fulfill His perfect plan for my life but me.  

All of your abilities -and your disabilities- were created to fit the unique plan God has for you.  

No one can fulfill your purpose but you.  

And God's plan for you and His plan for me embrace far more than 

the events or circumstances that happen to us.  

They also embrace what God wants us to be and do 

and what He desires to do in and through us.

from Calm My Anxious Heart, Chapter 3

There are still so many days when I'm sad.  When I've tried to tell God that He chose the wrong person, that I am not strong enough to bear this pain and load!  But then I remind myself that I'm right.  I'm not strong enough to bear the weigh of this pain.

But He is.

He is strong enough to carry the weight of a sinful world.  To carry my sorrows and my sadness and my grief.  And all I have to do is ask.  He will answer.  He has answered me.  Time and time again.  Maybe not with a baby.  But with something even sweeter.

His peace.

His peace that protects, guides, and calms.  His peace that does not erase the pain and grief of loss, but takes away all fear and turmoil.  His peace that rescues me from the depths of despair and the agony of defeat.  

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Yesterday morning before church I cried and prayed that God will speak through the pastor straight to my heart.  I prayed that my heart would be touched in a strong and powerful way.  And the Lord answered my prayer.  We have been going through the book of Luke as a church, and today our pastor spoke on what Jesus longs for in His followers.  

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."

And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, 

but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head."

To another he said, "Follow me."

But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father."

And Jesus said to him, "Leave the dead to bury their own dead.  

But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Yet another said, "I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home."

Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back 

is fit for the kingdom of God."

Luke 9:57-62

There is a cost to following Jesus.

He promises it will be uncomfortable.

He demands it to be without compromise.

He commands us to focus solely on Him. 

After the pastor's sermon we did an extended acoustic worship set.  The first song played was one of my favorites.  And in the quiet of the dark worship center I broke.  I bawled and I stretched my hands to Christ and I let this song be the prayer of my heart:

Savior I come

Quiet my soul

Remember

Redemption's hill

Where Your blood was spilled

For my Ransom

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross

Where your love poured out

Bring me to my knees

Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself

I belong to you

Oh lead me

Lead me to the cross

You were as I

Tempted and tried

Human

The word became flesh

Bore my sin and death

Now you're risen

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross
Where your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to you
Oh lead me
Lead me to the cross

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

I want to be lead to Christ.

To His heart.

I'm letting go.

Of my plans of my schemes and my control.

Of my will and my schedule and my list of things to be checked-off.

This does not mean I have given up my desire to become a mother again.

But it does mean that I am going to live fully in the role Christ has assigned me instead of
waiting to fully live until He has answered my cry for another baby.

I have failed.
I will continue to fail.

But Christ is always there with His unending mercy and grace,
forgiving me and wrapping me in His arms of love.

I am just a girl.

A girl saved by grace.
I am nothing.
But with Christ I have everything.

I pray that my life would be led in a way that leads others to Him.
That my words and my actions would always point back to my Heavenly Father.
That I would die to myself daily.
And live for Christ only.
That I'd open myself up to Him.
To be shaped and molded and used.
That I'd stop looking at myself as an Infertile woman.
And instead look at myself as a woman who is being used in my weaknesses by God.
That I'd accept this role He has chosen for me.
And that through my life, He would be glorified.

May the Lord be glorified in our lives.
Let us not think we need to say or be anything special, 
but realize that it only needs to be Christ's love and mercy and hope and grace
shining brightly from us.