If you are just joining me today, I encourage you to go back and read posts
*****
If we are to find contentment in the midst of trial and uncertainty,
we must accept our situation as being purposely allowed into our lives
by a personal and loving God."
from Calm My Anxious Heart, chapter 11
I used to think that contentment was a negative thing. That it meant you weren't really striving for anything, or that you were just pleased with the mediocre. I can vividly remember telling someone in college that I didn't want to be just "content" in life... I wanted to be passionately happy and always striving to reach my goals, no matter what they might be.
And then I read this quote:
Happiness is getting what we want;
contentment is wanting what we get.
from Calm My Anxious Heart, Chapter 6
This summer, I learned there is nothing shameful about being content.
The beginning of summer was wonderful. I had looked forward to starting homeschooling with Swee'Pea for months and we eagerly awaited our first day of summer together so we could start our lessons. How different this year would be than last summer when I was making endless appointments with my Reproductive Endocrinologist and scurrying around like a crazy person in a constant state of panic and pain.
From the first day of June, we spent each day playing and learning together, taking trips to the pool and the park when we needed a break, and mostly just doing a lot of life together. There were no tears on my part over the lack of a baby, no anxiety or depression, no fear or uncertainty. There was just us. Me and him. Two peas-in-a-pod with oodles of time on our hands and a whole world to conquer.
And slowly but surely, I was growing content.
This is not to say that I didn't still want a baby.
That it didn't hurt when people around me would announce, "Oh! I have baby fever so badly!"
That it didn't make me physically ache when yet another person announced they were pregnant "without even trying!"
But.
My heart was starting to change.
My attitude was starting to change.
My outlook was starting to change.
I stopped being so focused on what I didn't have, and started passionately loving every bit of what I did have.
Please don't misunderstand me. I've always passionately loved my son. So much so that I think I might suffocate him with my love sometimes!
However, I've often had a hard time loving his only-childness.
It's exhausting, being his only playmate.
It's heartbreaking, hearing him ask why he doesn't have a baby brother or sister.
It's lonely, thinking of how quickly he will grow up and leave my nest for good.
It's suffocating, feeling obsessively clingy and protective of him because I know what a precious miracle he truly is.
But this summer, I began to truly embrace how awesome it really is to have an only child. I began to be thankful for the times we had together that might not have been possible had I been pregnant or we hadn't lost the baby last summer.
Things like spending endless carefree hours out at the pool...
Camping in a little trailer for days...
Going to Utah with my parents and getting to ride horses, hike, and fish...
Staying up late watching movies from our blanket forts and eating bowl after bowl of popcorn...
Biking all over town...
Eating too much Yogurtland...
Playing with little Legos and Geotrax and wooden trains and not worrying about cleaning up the mess because no little hands would disrupt it before play time tomorrow...
Instead of constantly weeping over the things I was missing out on by not being pregnant or having a baby, I decided instead to rejoice in all the wonderfulness that came with having just one little guy to tend to.
And as I grew more content in having just one little one, I began to open up my heart to God in new and beautiful ways, growing more and more content in the fact that this was in fact the way He had created my life to be.
For you formed my inward parts' you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139:13-16
The God of the Universe, who had created the land and the sea and breathed life into Adam, loved me.
He fearfully and wonderfully made me.
He designed me, flaws and all, to be used for His good and perfect works.
He sees my pain and my sorrow, but He also sees the beauty and wonder of His creation.
And I am in awe.
I began to see that God really did love me, had loved me before I was even a thought in my mother's mind, and that this life He had created for me was not a punishment. But instead it was a beautiful design to see His greater plans carried through. He created me not so that my own wants and desires could be fulfilled, but so that His great story could be told through my life.
God created our inmost being and fashioned us in our mother's womb
so that we might be equipped to fulfill the plan that He set out for us
even before we were born.
Who you are is not a biological accident.
What you are is not a circumstantial accident.
God planned both for you.
from Trusting God Even When it Hurts by Jerry Bridges
My trial did not end this summer in any way. In fact, I felt even more uncertain than ever as I spent the summer trying to really understand what God wanted from me. But one thing I did know was that I desperately needed and wanted to find contentment in who God had created me to be, even if I didn't necessarily understand why He had chosen to design me this way. I needed to not be so worried about getting what I wanted. I instead needed to focus on wanting what God had given and planned for me.
Even if what God had planned for me was an inability to have more children.
As I spent the summer learning to want what I was given, I began to thank God for everything He had put in my life... good and bad. All the trials. All the pain. All the loss. All the heartache. Because through it all I had become stronger. Not just as a person, but as a woman of God. I had doubted and I had failed, yes. But through my weaknesses, Christ's love was stronger. As the summer wore on, I began to truly thank God for who He had made me. For His perfect design in all my imperfections. I began to stop wishing my problems away and instead began embracing how I could turn those problems into praises for Christ.
I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of;
for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God,
is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking.
George MacDonald
I didn't know then what God wanted from me.
I don't know now what God wants from me.
But I know I want to embrace this role.
This portion I've been handed.
I want to stop chasing after the desires of my heart with everything I have.
And put everything I have into chasing the desires of Him.
If we want to be women of contentment,
we must choose to accept our portion,
our assigned roles from God.
We must make the choice to dwell on the positive aspects of our role in life.
If we don't, we'll be discontent, always wanting something different from what we've been given.
from Calm My Anxious Heart, Chapter 4
{please join me on Monday for the final post in this Infertility series.}
Posts
